It's sort of ridiculous that I haven't finished my mini blog project, but it's even more ridiculous that probably you won't notice MUCH of a difference when I do finish. I figure there's a good chance it'll be done by Monday, though, so stay tuned.
Onto today!
I've been vacillating between posting about this and not, and clearly, posting won. I know I've been vague about how it all ended with Grad School Ex, and the reason for that is cause the ending WAS vague. In early July we decided it was time to start seeing other people, and then he left the country. Then I left for Michael and Alexis' (this is a change! See! Some of them have occurred) wedding and vacation with my family, then we both we were back and it ended for real.
Ish.
There was one spectacularly attractive night (oh Irene) where I drank too much and decided it would be a great idea to march myself over to his apartment, to which I still had keys, and tell him that I knew he had been on a date the night before. I wish I didn't "know" this shit - Anne for one likes to tell the story of when we were going to get massages for her birthday and I told her I knew - I KNEW - that my Evil Corp Ex was getting it on with a new coworker. She told me I was being paranoid, and yet I was right.
It's the worst sixth sense. Couldn't I have ESP about other things?! Lotto numbers FTW!
Anyway, I woke up at 7am completely mortified, and when he woke up we cleared his apartment of almost all my stuff accumulated over the course of 2+ years. We had brunch, said goodbye, and that could have been it.
But.
He wants to be friends. And I guess I do too? But a place where I care about his opinion on something like peace in the Middle East because he knows his shit, rather than because it's HIS opinion, is still far off. And we really can't be friends until then. That hadn't stopped him from reaching out, suggesting dinner, iming me, messaging me to let me know he sprained his ankle (Becca was in town and she was piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed. It was actually kind of hilarious to watch).
So.
He still had two of my things - the aforementioned orchids and my 4th season of Friends. And I was cleaning house in preparation for my parents' visit this past weekend, and I sort of wanted them back. Also, in cleaning my house I found a bunch of his shirts that I had collected over the years and didn't need my mom to ask questions. Friday morning, I reached out and suggested a trade.
Yeah. That might have been a mistake.
My email was... well. He'd say awkward and I'd say cautious. Ramona was competing in her very first half iron man (AND ROCKED IT) Saturday, and she lives nearby so I wanted to drop off her little good luck wishes. I offered to come over that evening if he didn't have, ehem, other plans and assuming no one, ehem, female was going to be there. He was like - why don't you just come over now and we'll sort it out. I did, and in the course of trading, we chatted about life, things, and eventually he was like "so do you have anything you want to ask." I said no, did he have anything he wanted to ask me. He said no. And we just sorta of stared at each other, a small smile playing on his lips. So I took the bait.
That was DEFINITELY a mistake.
"Ok fine, are you seeing anyone?" I asked. And he is. Not only that, he's seeing her exclusively. Now don't get me wrong, I'm seeing people, but certainly not anyone exclusively. It had been six weeks. Do you go from 2 years to new significant other in 42 days?
Well. I don't.
Even given that the summer had been more influx than even the last year we had been together, we're stil talking two, two-and-a-half months. Maybe boys are different, maybe he cared less about me than I thought, and maybe she just showed up at the right time.
Whatever the reason, I was incredibly hurt.
And I was sort of at a loss as to why. It wasn't as though I was devastated - on the contrary, I think this was probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. For a while my friends/therapist have been trying to coax me away from the version of Grad School Ex I had written in my head, how wonderful he was and how sweet and kind and how well he knew me, etc. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but he's definitely not the god among men I still kind of thought he was on Thursday. He's comparatively a child (at best) and at worst - the bad things that my friends said about him (against which I deFENDed him) may be true.
The rose-covered veil has fallen.
Sure, Dan is probably right when he said "well it would have been nice if you had realized this when he was treating you like crap but better late than never, I suppose" and I laughed, not cried. But still. Hurt was the primary emotion, and even almost a week later it's probably still 50-50 between that and relief. And I just kept being like - but why, but why, but why.
And then I listened to some Alanis.
Ms. Morissette's "Head Over Feet" was my song with Grad School Ex, from pretty much the beginning. Despite being yoooooooung (twenty-four in a week) he loves himself some 90s music, and clearly I am a bebe du 90s. So when we were driving home from the first weekend he met my entirely family, and Alanis came on the 90s station singing "you're my best friend, best friend with benefits", and he reached across the console and grabbed my hand (and and and) - can you blame me if I melted straight into that seat?
Well. CAN you?!
It's been a leeeeettle hard to listen to AM since the break-up (I'd say... the one in July. I think. Maybe August? Or last December? Or the July before that?!) but I was Over. It. I hate having things ruined by ex boyfriends, like 24 (Evil Corp Ex, Grad School Ex) or...
Well ok maybe that's it. Also, yanno, it's sort of dumb after that first season.
Anyway! I refused to let my... teenagerhood be taken away by some kid who once upon a time I loved for a little while. And so I put on Head Over Feet and I sniffled, and then I rocked out to Hand in my Pocket, and giggled about the music video for Ironic (it was soooooo good) and wistfully sang along to Perfect.
Cmon. You know where this is going.
However, it wasn't until You Oughta Know came over my speakers that I realized I had been an idiot to not think of these reasons earlier. Not that Grad School Ex had been you know, duplicitous in any particular way - he said he didn't want a serious relationship, which after 2 years ours certainly was. But to have started an exclusive (EXCLUSIVE) relationship with someone so quickly after we finally ended it once-and-for-all?
"It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced."
So thank you Alanis. Now that I've identified the cause of the hurt, I'm pretty sure I can go back to being the best thing he'll never had, vis a vis Beyonce. My girls, they have my back.
