Let THEM eat wedding cake... I still have to fit into my dress

So.

Last week I mentioned that I was starting to work out, and I did start. I'm taking swim classes, they were hard but I felt good, and I went to the gym with my friend Oscura (if you can't guess her real name, I judge you) to do some arm stuff and cardio. This came up for a total of 4 workouts in 7 days.

Is it 2004???

Because the last time I was SUPER excited about working out was just before George W. Bush was re-elected to the presidency. For over a year at that point I had been a certifiable gym rat. I went nearly everyday, just "for fun"! I did weights, I did cardio, I took classes, I swam. I felt great.

I looked great too.

And then President Bush got reelected and I'm not proud (but not ashamed) to say that I feel into a two week long Depression. Having now experienced a far longer bout with the big D, I can say I got off lucky - after two weeks I started eating normally again, stopped crying at random times, thought it was appropriate to get out of bed, and maybe even shower.

It helped that I was in NJ at the time, and my family doesn't like me smelly.

But the thing is, I never really got back on the (pommel) horse (see what I did there? Hilar!). I tried once my winter quarter started, but I was swamped with work and a vaguely illicit relationship and extracurriculars: I promptly developed a bad fever and a worse cough. The cough was exacerbated by my not-really-stopping (I couldn't!) the busy life, and you know.

The fact that it was winter in Chicago.

And then I fractured a rib. Apparently, this is quite a common injury, and the problem is, you are definitely not allowed to do abdominal stuff for a while afterwards, or you risk a re-break. Or so said my doctor. To the world I was pissed, but in actuality, I was thrilled - I could sleep until 9am ALL THE TIME NOW! Or on days I was cutting class (Wednesdays) UNTIL NOON! And working out was HARD. I never knew why I liked it in the first place. I got all smelly and my clothes had to be washed all the time and anyway, what was so special about exercise anyway?

That was 6 years ago. I've since gained 50lbs.

Wouldn't it have been cooler if it was 60??? Damnit. Anyway, off of that high water mark (sometime this fall), I'm now back at just under my "fat" weight in college - the weight that prodded me (with a lot of help from my sweet mum) to start gymming it. And that probably wouldn't have been any different that the other times I've found myself at that number - I promise to start exercising, usually I do it twice before giving it up as "too hard," "too time consuming," "too embarrassing".

But this time was different.

Because two weeks ago I was hanging out with DC Laura and she confided in me that she was very worried about fitting into the bridesmaid dress for a wedding we're both in in two months. And it occurred to me - I hadn't tried it on since I got it (during the high water mark) when it definitely DID not fit, but I sort of assumed that would change.

Well, it didn't.

Ok, I'm sure I fit inot it a LOT better than I did in October. But the fact remains - I do. Not. Fit into this dress. And in a few short months, I have to put it on, and stand/sit/stand/sit/stand/sit in front of 200 people in a Catholic church. It would probably be inappropriate if my ass was hanging out and the dress split up the seam because of all the sitting.

Don't get me started on the dancing.

So I sort of freaked. And for four days, I worked out and ate SUPER well. And then I went to my friends' wedding in Texas. And there were a LOT of margaritas there man!! And awesome food!! And I HAD TO DO IT IT WAS RUDE NOT TO. "It" being "eat 16 pieces of naan".

Mmmm. Naan.

But then yesterday, I re-tried on that dress. And it still does not fit. And it's two weeks closer to the wedding, and it sort of hit me - time for a change. And I wrote out a workout plan with the help of my best gym friend Becca. And I developed the best playlist EVER. And more importantly - I checked off my exercise boxes for Tuesday.

Yippee!!

There's nothing like some Catholic guilt to really get me moving. We'll see how this all goes, but I need all y'all to hope that it goes "well". If only cause then I might stop posting about it.

Well. It's possible?

#WeddingSeason2011

So!

A week late and loads of dollars short, but here is the first wedding recap of 2011!

A refresher: my 2011 has a bunch of weddings in it. While I've bandied about the phrase "11 in '11" it actually looks more like 11 from late '10 to late '11. But you know, the first one has more ring to it. These weddings are all over the place, for all sorts of people I love (from college, high school, family, jobs and randos) and I couldn't be more thrilled.

No seriously!!

Since this blog was originally about going to weddings and getting drunk, I figure Wedding Season 2011 is sort of a watershed moment. I don't want to say that this may be my biggest wedding year yet - there are still loads of people out there who I love who are not yet married. But this is certainly the biggest wedding year thus FAR. And so I'm going to recap some (not all, to protect the innocent but also you know, you all, from a summer where this space turns into "and I'm SO cool cause now I went to DETROIT for my friend's wedding and I've never BEEN there before have YOU no you HAVEN'T I'm SO cool."

Etc.

So I'll save you from that. But some weddings (like the first and the last for example) will def be recapped in a way to protect (my?) anonymity and to sum up some fanfuckingtastic weddings!

11 in "11" - Wedding Recap 1

Who: a friend from grad school and her boyfriend of several years who lived in DC during the second year of our program
What: a traditional ceremony that was followed by a lovely reception. Both bride and groom hail from immigrant families so traditional did not just mean chapel ceremony (though it did include that) but also had themes from both cultural traditions.
Where: Houston, Texas
When: March 2011
Why: CAUSE I LOVE THEM
How: flew down on Thursday night with 5 friends to Atlanta, picked up a sixth friend during the layover. Arrived at Houston-Hobby around 11:30pm, got our luggage 20 minutes later and rented 2 cars from Hertz (almost painlessly. Almost). Stayed with the bride and groom the first two nights of the four day trip, and got a few hotel rooms at the Downtown Doubletree (the location of the after party) for the night of wedding - nice hotel, good value given that there was some huge rodeo (? maybe?) convention in town. First leg was super delayed on the way back but Delta was awesome and got us over to Houston-Intercontinental where we battled through long security to get a nonstop (!!!) flight to Dulles on United Airlines, arriving back on Sunday around 11pm. Got our luggage as soon as we deplaned and cabbed back to DC.
Drink(s) of choice: champagne (at the wedding) and margaritas (everywhere else). I don't expect an open bar to have champagne as an option, so it's always a lovely surprise when it does - I took advantage. Otherwise, Houston has some DAMN good margaritas and I took it as a personal challenge to sample as many as physically possible. Excellente!
Highlight: when the flower girl, who is just under 2, came out and stood sort of like a deer-in-headlights while everyone took pictures (she was adorable). Everyone smiled and said awww poor thing (not out loud, just in their heads, but I could tell) and then suddenly, her mother told her to look for her father (who was performing the ceremony) and her face lit up and she RAN down the aisle, dropped over her basket, and RAN back. There are no words for the level of cuteness this young lady demonstrated. Preciousadorbsweetness? Maybs?
Lowlight: drunkenly fighting with Grad School Ex in a hotel room about who was being a bigger dick to whom (I was apparently being too couply, which we are not and he hates PDA; he was countering with being a jackass in general). I didn't remember the subject of the fight the next day. Mostly, I remembered ripping my dress off indignantly only to remember that I had pinned it to my bra in several places, which was awkward, but sort of hilarious in a romcom way.
Music grade: DJ was solid, lots of 90s and dance music from today mixed in with some Bhangra and a slow dance or two. Played to the crowd, kept the dance floor full, and played songs in longer-than-30-second blips. Only flaw was fucking up Don't Stop Believing and Livin' on a Prayer (they don't need backbeats, son). A-
Lessons learned:

1. Switching outfits a lot is sort of cool, but really hard, and then you don't necessarily get to wear your white dress as much as you want.
2. I've often said that a wedding's success comes down to the music, the open bar, and the attendees, and if you have a crappy family or crappy friends, you're screwed. This proved me correct, but also showed me that family that might seem awkward can be AWESOME on the dance floor with some encouragement.
3. Kids at weddings are super cool. I'm sorry, but I WAS a kid at weddings when I was, well, a kid, and now that I'm an adult I love weddings where kids are mixing it up on the dance floor.
4. People in TX don't know the words to "take me home, country road" as well as I do. Interesting.
5. If you're that kind of person, incorporate family into your ceremony. The bride's brother was the celebrant, her niece was the flower girl, and there was some sort of tradition where you go great your parents after officially being pronounced man and wife. It was all incredibly moving.

Next wedding is coming up! Keep dancin', keep toastin', and don't stop believin'.

A few things

The less fun:

• By now you've probably heard (if you're ridiculously obsessive like I am about shit like this) that the murder and alleged sexual assault that occurred in Bethesda last week was (allegedly) a hoax concocted by the "surviving victim" who is now in custody as the murder suspect. That sucks. What an awful, terrible week the family of Ms. Murray must have gone through. And same is true for Ms. Norwood's. The difference is, at least the Murray family might now begin the process to heal, while I would imagine the worst is yet to come for the Norwoods. Innocent until proven guilty, but if convicted, Brittany is truly one terrible human being.
• (Also. I stand by what I said. Be safe ladies (and gents!). The world is not as dangerous as some believe, but it's still not always and everywhere safe.)
• On a lighter note, but still shitty - my boys at Gtown lost in the first round (again) in the NCAA tournament. I haven't been this disappointed and sort of disgusted with a sports team since Italy went out in the first round of the 2010 World Cup. I just can't wait for the Yankees to have a stellar season and then lose to the most random team in the AL in the first round.

The just news:

• HEY LOOK!!! Up? At your address bar? You'll never have to remember the Italian for "always a bridesmaid" now! (Ohhhhh so THAT'S what sempre damigella means?) Just type it in, www.alwaysadrunkneverabride.com - I'm excited! You should be too. Ok, maybe just pleased that you'll remember the address. Maybe?

The AWESOME:

• Wedding Season 2011 (#weddingseason2011 on twitter, clearly I am just that creative) has begun! Recap to follow. Prob will become running series until work takes a turn for the worse, and suddenly all I want to do is nap again.
• I'm starting to work out. We shall see how it goes. But the goal is to maybe participate in the 2011 DC Tri. I am taking swim lessons and getting vaccinated against the Potomac as we speak. I'm counting on all y'all to guilt me into making this happen.
• Just finished the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. It was fantastic. Seriously, go read it. Don't be a Harry Potter hater and say if everyone likes it, it can't be good. Cause it is.
• So is Harry Potter. Just putting that out there.

I'll be back tomorrow evening (ok, this evening, whatever) or Tuesday morning so au revoir, I hope you have lovely Mondays with more Stieg Larsson and less violence than in the news.

People Who Rock. People Who Suck.

So I actually have like, a *legit* post y'all but I'm so filled with rage that I need to get it out now, before I go and do something drastic. And apparently blogging will do that? We shall see.

People Who Rock:

1. Eva! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!;
2. The boys at Casual Hoya for keeping me laughing through the tears;
3. Emilia for taking down one College Ex (and uber republican) on facebook. Now Em, just update your blog!!!;
4. City Girl for being done with her radiation!!;
5. Grad School Ex. Last night he told me to eat something in an earnest and non-condescending way. No one ever tells me that. I appreciated it;
6. Chris Mintz-Plasse and Dave Franco (seriously NSFW); and
7. Low fat Cheez-its. Because 21 are only 100 calories. Thank you, calorie gods. Also, whatever brand you are. Nabisco? No - apparently "Sunshine"? Now I like you even MORE!!!

People Who Suck:

1. Peter King. You hypocritical fuck. Forget that. You hypocritical, xenophobic, McCarthyistic fuck;
2. Wisconsin Republican lawmakers. Actually, I almost want to say you fucking rock because if you think this isn't going to rebound in your face you are wrong. And yet, you are still assholes;
3. Jim Burr, Tim Higgins and Earl Walton, aka the fucking idiotic refs who didn't DO THEIR FUCKING JOBS and call out of bounds on STUPID FUCKING ST. JOHNS thus giving the ball back to Rutgers and letting them have the chance they deserved to win the GODDAMN GAME. I'm pro Hoya in basketball, but I'm pro Knight in life and that was BULLSHIT. The fact that the team was essentially kicking ass and taking names for Coach Carr's 2 year old son who has been at death's door for months makes me even angrier. FUCK YOU BURR, HIGGINS AND WALTON;
4. Fucking Tucker Max. Dude. I really hate that you went to my college. Although it DOES help that when person X says "holy shit! That's where Tucker Max went to school" I can tell by their tone if we're going to be friends or not;
5. Chris Christie. Either until he fucking stops hating on cops and teachers (the very people who you know, MAKE SOCIETY RUN IN A CIVIL WAY), he is number five on the people who suck list. Because he FUCKING sucks, times five;
6. Stupid girls who have recently been dumped by boys in Becca's life, because they make me sad about our gender. Honey(ies), get some fucking self respect and stop texting/tweeting/emailing/calling/facebook commenting/blogging, and WHATEVER to your ex, his friends, siblings, and the world about how 1) you don't accept the break-up or 2) how clearly superior and all-knowing you are about the ex. Because 1) relationships are not a fucking democracy and 2) you just look STUPID; and
7. Charlie Sheen. Get some help already dude. If only so people stop talking about you Charlie Sheen's enablers - this goes 10X for you assholes.

Alright friends, that is all for now. Back tomorrow with less anger. I hope. Well maybe. Expletives make me happy though.

The Always a Drunk, Never a Bride Guide to Wedding Guest Stress

So.

As 2010 came to a close, I was to be found reading wedding blogs and perusing bridesmaid dress websites and sending clips of cute save the dates to my engaged friends (btw - I totally want to post my Michael-and-Alexis' STD here because it is AMAZING. But that would, you know, open the closet door and I'm still not sure how I feel about that). My friend Rosemary from work was introducing me to friends at our Christmas party as the girl with a bagillion weddings, and said seriously that my enthusiasm had affected her and her six weddings, and she was grateful (to me!) that she wasn't in a little hole of dread.

In 2011, I found myself in that hole instead.

As I find myself rapidly approaching wedding 1/a gazillion, I am starting to dread the whole thing. There are a lot of stressors involved in planning a wedding, and being a bride/groom (or so I hear). But there is also stress for guests of the wedding, which come in both "real" and "wah wah poor little rich girl" varieties. I want to include both mostly because I am experiencing both.

Also, I've never been a stranger to whining about superficial things.

So as to leave you all with a happy feeling (where "happy" means "not hating on MA who is after all only human, and decidedly on the grumbly side of the human spectrum, so just go ahead and forgive me damnit") Ima start with the least important, objectively (where "objectively" means "as unsubjectively as I possibly can, but hello, it's me") and ending up with money. I'm ending with that because it's never been more timely than in a recession, and besides, unless you're related to Daddy Warbucks, it's a legitimate concern for every wedding attendee (and of course, every bride and groom. But damnit, they get the party. This blog post is for US. This blog post, and the open bar at the party. Depending on the buffet, that too. And the dessert bar. Yum. Dessert bar).

But I digress.

While you can now find Emily Post's great great something female at the New York times to give the "real" etiquette about how to behave at a wedding, I think we can all agree I have a "fresh" (as in, flippant. Saucy. SASSY, even. Not you know - new) take on the matter. All matters? Anyway, to officially kick off my 2011 wedding season, I give you:

The Always a Drunk, Never a Bride Guide to Wedding Guest Stress

The people you're gonna see there:

• PROBLEM - This runs the gamut from "ex-boyfriends" (a wedding I went to in December) to "ex-best friends" (EWN1 from Adriana's wedding). This year, "my entire family" has been added to the list for my brother's wedding. Why am I so stressed about seeing them all? Probably because it's exhausting to see half and half on holidays, and putting them all together in one room where decorum is called for just about scares the shit out of me. But also because it brings a new level of Importance to the occasion. At weddings, my MO is to get drunk, dance inappropriately (not like, sluttily. Just badly. But thinking it's awesomely) and make seriously questionable fabulous toasts. However, there's no need for my Nonno to see that side of me. So um, what do I do instead? Like... just enjoy the event itself? When was the last time I did THAT? You know - sober.
• SOLUTION - Admit you are powerless over the guest list. In fact, admit that this is not about you (ruh roh!!! Perhaps the underlying cause of all wedding guest stress!!! Slash all things MA?). This is the wedding of your friend/cousin/sibling/SO's any of the above to his/her soulmate (or biggest mistake). Either way, they are the focal point. Not you. Not the ex, or the ex-BFF, or the grandfather. So if you REALLY can't deal with that person, just ignore them - they're not going to want to see you either, and it's not YOUR party. If you want to be more vindictive better prepared write your own talking points prior to the wedding. Examples include your FABULOUS job (no one needs to know you loathe it), your SUPER hot significant other (who sure, is fake/you're taking a break from/doesn't know you're alive), and how HAPPY and HAPPY and did you mention HAPPY you are? In any case - it's going to be you know. Four hours? Of being in the same room as someone. You can handle it. Go make friends with the bartender, and pour one out for your former relationship/the relationship you don't have with your pro-life grandmother.

What to wear:

• PROBLEM - I mean, clearly you're not wearing white. In New York, I know I'm allowed to wear black to weddings regardless of time-of-day. Elsewhere, I find that people like color (what is THAT about?). And with color you introduce some serious worry. I don't want to be the girl wearing the color that stands out in all the bride/groom's photos (like I was at Maggie and Mr. Maggie's wedding, wearing teal), and I definitely don't want to be the girl who is accidentally matching the bridesmaids. Thinking about long vs short dresses, hair up vs hair down, jewelry, shoes, and other acoutrements just inspires a ridiculous amount of over-thinking a fucking outfit.
• SOLUTION - See above, re: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU (hm. I feel like I need to hammer that point home... to myself? Ehem). This is about the bride and the groom. You may be in their pictures forever, so don't do something stupid like flipping the bird (unless they will like it, or laugh for years and years like we do at NY Laura's Sweet Sixteen video in which I show my true assholery). But trust me, unless you DO do something incredibly stupid like wearing white, or wearing the exact same dress as the bridesmaids, or pulling a unfortunate "Jersey" girl from a recent wedding who thought it was appropriate to wear a midriff-and-tramp-stamp-bearing top with a mini skirt to a Christmas themed wedding - no one's gonna give a shit. Make sure you look nice. You want to be able to hit on the bartender if s/he is worth it. Or at the very least, make THEM hit on YOU and by "hit on" I mean "get you a drink immediately even if there is a line in the hopes that you might sleep with them."

Your date, or lack thereof:

• PROBLEM - This has been addressed in this space way too much for someone who knows the rule. Here it is: if you get invited with "MA and guest" or "MA and Fillintheblank Ex", then you have a date. If you don't, you don't. The thing is... dates make weddings, which can be very scary situations, ever so much easier (especially when your date reassures you that you did NOT use the f-bomb "too much" in the aforementioned toasts). So you sit and you stare at the invitation, WILLING "and guest" to appear on the envelope.
• SOLUTION - If this is a friend's wedding, I have found my friends to be incredibly understanding when you want to clarify a situation. Is it awkward to ask your friend if your significant other/roommate/fuck buddy is invited? Yes. Will you get a straight answer? Yes. If it really means that much to you, I say ask - the worst case scenario is that your friend says sorry, no, and then you are free to flirt with the bartender all night. If it's not, go flirt with the bartender AND the DJ! And if you're unsure, just remember that this is (all together!) NOT about you, and honestly, you should probably be caring more about if the bride/groom enjoy the day than if you're going to dance with this person you've been seeing for six weeks. If it's a family wedding, I have no idea. I defer to your better judgment (perhaps, you know, a good policy for all things).

What to give:

• PROBLEM - you don't know what to get. You don't know the rules about how much money is appropriate. You don't know what you want for dinner, much less what your friend/3rd cousin once removed wants for their MARRIAGE. It's rough.
• SOLUTION (with a registry) - You go onto the website, you click on a gift, you send it off. I know some people are offended by registries, but honestly, I almost want to register for birthday and Christmas and "I'm having a bad day" gifts. It's brilliant - you get what you want, the people get what they want to spend, it's a win-win. Except for when there is only ridiculous shit left on the registry (I think I've mentioned before the gold cake plate for which my cousin registered that cost multiple hundreds of dollars), or when you don't know how much to spend. Usually people say the cost of dinner, although that's sort of stupid and outdated. I say, spend what you can with an eye towards what you want to convey. If you want to say, "I really care about you, but I'm a poor graduate student who has no money" go to the registry and find a THOUGHTFUL gift within your price range. For example, I enjoy giving wine glasses because almost all my friends like wine. When I was a poor grad student, that is all I gave. Now I can afford to give the glasses, the bartending kit, and a nice bottle of wine. If you want to say, "I don't know why the fuck you invited me or why I'm even attending, but sure, here's the cost of my bar tab" then buy them a nice fuck-off gift, like the ridiculous gold cake plate.
• SOLUTION (without a registry) - The Stink Eye. That is what you give. Who DOES that to a person in this day and age? Oh, you did? Whoops. Sorry. (But sorriER to your guests.) My go-to in this situation is money, although that feels ridiculously awkward and sort of bat mitzvah-y (like, will I receive a thank you note from the bride telling me she donated a percentage of her gifts to Haitian relief? Actually, that sounds awesome). But for non-creative people, it is the way to go. For creative people, you probably have better ideas that I do, except let me say something. It is not nice to buy home decor items for people that they haven't expressly desired. People have senses of style, it's inherent to them, and unless you are the person they are marrying you really can't change that. So don't try it. Please?
• SOLUTION (when you are a member of the bridal party) - This is sort of hard, and so not only will I tell you what I usually do, but I really would like other people's perspectives on this (are you people still reading? No? I don't judge you. Also, friends whose weddings I am in this year - don't feel like you have to respond, but I'm just saying, if you do, you might get it!!). As a bridesmaid, I have gone the routes described above (buy the gift off a registry if they have it, give 'em money if they don't) but I have ALSO gone in on a group gift from the bridal party as a whole (well - a half. You know, all bridesmaids or all groomsmen). This is the one I liked the best, because you were able to spend less (cause you had spent money on your dress/tux, gifts/parties, minutes on the phone with your friend about to be married who was at National debating whether or not flying to Timbuktu was the right plan), but still get a nice gift. Also, you know, it's a bonding experience among the b. party that doesn't involve the bride/groom, which I am pro. Mostly. Unless the rest of your b. party sucks. In which case, I will be bonding with the bartender.

Money:

• PROBLEM - You are not made of it. Weddings are expensive: gifts, airfare, hotel rooms, cabs, tips for the bartender, what have you. These two facts are diametrically opposed, and if they weren't, and you were made of money, I would like you to be my sugar daddy/mama. (Seriously. Email me for my number.)
• SOLUTION - Don't break the bank. If you can't stay at the hotel where the wedding is, that's fine - find a friend to stay with, or a cheaper motel. It's just fine to wear a fancy dress on the subway en route to a wedding. And as per above, give the gift you can afford. That said, if it's really going to be a problem, no one wants to hear you complain about it all through the reception, so maybe you should just stay home. In a nicer way - don't put yourself through that stress. There is NO shame in declining a wedding invitation. Seriously. Unless maybe it's your mom's/kid's wedding. That'd be sorta uncool. But still - your prerogative. Because in the end, this wedding is NOT ABOUT YOU. If you're there, awesome. If you're not, sad. But no matter what those friends/family members are getting married that day, and that's what this is about. Supporting your people, in whatever way you can, despite any stress it might cause you, on the most important day of their lives.

And you know, one day YOU might get married. And then you can put THEM through all of this. But don't forget - that means the open bar is on you.

People Who Rock. People Who Suck.

People Who Rock:

1. My friend Dexter (also, Anne, Maggie, Becca and my mom) for reading/editing/ameliorating my documents to support the chance of getting out of a job I really can't stand;
2. Jon Stewart for this Monday's two pieces on teachers. Keep it coming Jon. As the fellow kid of a teacher, you speak for me;
3. Chris Wright for retweeting me on Sunday night. I know usually someone doesn't get a PWR for making me crap my pants, but in this case I will allow it;
4. Kmart.com for being ridiculously swift in realizing that no, I would not buy an $1800 camera and send it to Georgia;
5. My sister. Reasons will be listed later so as not to jinx shit, but she is amazing and I can only hope other people feel the same way;
6. The writers of HIMYM. I should send them pictures of "before" and "after" in my apartment to show that when I was on an austerity kick, they were the people who got me out of bed and cleaning. And my apartment looks DAMN good; and
7. Magnolia via DCBlogs. You know how some mornings you wake up and you're just like - pffffffffft? That was this morning. And then I read DCBlogs and remembered that somewhere people value me (just not at my work). So thank you (also thank you to all of you for reading/commenting/being awesome).

People Who Suck:

1. Scott Walker, John Boehner, Muammar Qaddafi, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and all other people of power who are using said power in distasteful (and you know, murderous in some cases) ways. Stop it. You are "suck" in the supreme;
2. My ovaries, again. Back off bitches;
3. People who say the Civil War wasn't about slavery. Was it the sole cause? No. Was it the number one cause? I say (and most historians say) yes. So stfu with the states rights crap and admit that you are glorifying a time when people subjugated by force, law, money and other terrible ways, OTHER people to do their work for them;
4. Douche noggles who think it's ok to use someone else's credit card to buy a ridiculous amount of shit from the internets. First of all, it's not, it's a crime, and you can bet your bippy I'm going to do everything within my power to make sure you're prosecuted. Second of all, seriously?? How stupid are you. In two hours, you spent half my credit limit (which is pretty high) on websites I have never visited (much less shopped at). Of course you were going to get caught ya fucking shitheads;
5. Chris Christie. Either until he fucking stops hating on cops and teachers (the very people who you know, MAKE SOCIETY RUN IN A CIVIL WAY), he is number five on the people who suck list. Because he sucks, times five;
6. BYU. I'm probably going to have a PWR/PWS: March Madness version, but for now, let me just say it's ridiculous that you suspended Brandon Davies for having premarital sex. And I'm a Hoyas fan; and
7. My employ. Just cause it does.

What's love, but a sacrimentry lotion?

So.

A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless to protect the lovelorn) recently had a seriously screwed up conversation with her boyfriend. Until then, This Boy was very similar to Toddy's Mr. U (briefly leading me to suspect that Toddy was the same as Lovelorn Friend, until I smacked myself with a reality stick). He wooed the shit out of her, old fashioned style, paying for dinner, taking her to Fancy Places, buying her little gifts before dates.

Who says romance is dead?

But in fact, it turned out that mayhaps romance was too damn alive for her. Because about a week ago, This Boy told her that despite his WANTING to be in love with her with all his might, all his BRAINS, he just WASN'T yet (sniffle sniffle soooooob).

Yeah. They've been dating since January.

I warned my LF to take it slow, because this guy really did seem to be lovely, if a leeeeettle quick off the draw (is that a saying? I would like it to be one if not). He treated(s) her incredibly well, wooing aside, seemed(s) to value her for who she is, and wanted(s) to be a part of her life, and to have her be part of his: inviting her to family events, charming her parents, giving her friends totally adorable nicknames (mine is withheld to protect, well, me) and just in general being caring and considerate and loving.

So what the fuck went wrong?

Well. It seems that This Boy (who it should be said, quickly came to his senses, called himself an idiot and said he had some weird expectations of things going so wonderfully they'd be one of Those Couples who get engaged after three months and everyone goes - huh wait WHAT?) has watched too much Disney. Well, that's my theory. Or shitty romantic comedies. Because as a lady who has watched too much Disney and WAAAAAAAAAAAY too many romcoms (I mean, hello, I have tags for BOTH OF THOSE THINGS ALREADY), I see the symptoms. The movie (and cartoon?) industry wants us all to believe that when we meet The One, (because zomg there is TOTES only one person for us, ever) we will "just know". Examples: Sleepless in Seattle. Recent How I Met Your Mother episodes. Sleeping Beauty. 500 Days of Summer.

You know. How Summer feels with the other guy.

But in life? In life, you might be besties with a dude for a year because he's too young, finally hook up, move in together three months later, date for another 10 months and then break up, then realize that maybe you still love each other, but had a whole lot of living to do, and so maintained a relationship that in name was friends in reality was comforting and in bed was...

This is all hypothetical, of course.

In life, maybe it does happen that way for SOME people (who are you fuckers), but for many it takes a much longer, mossier, windier and complicated-er path. You meet someone, you hate them, or maybe you like them, and then you start to date. You think you're in love with them two weeks later and then you realize - uh, no, it's just that I love sex. A few months later you start to get really sick of their tics, and then they become endearing - what makes the person THEM. You like them, you love them, you're "in" love with them, you break up, you get back together, you get engaged, you kiss someone else, you get married, have six babies, or SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

Because life is like that.

And so This Boy, who had bought into Hollywood definitions of "love," had briefly decided that he didnt "love" my LF. Which was bullshit. Because anyone who has seen him with her, who has read his emails to her (what. She asked for my advice!!), who has watched as they two have become incredibly close over the course of mere months knows - he likes her, a lot. He wants to spend all his time with her. He wants her to be the last person he talks to before he goes to sleep at night.

And if that's not love, then...

Well. What is? It's a definition each one of us have, shaped by our parents and our relationships and our friends' relationships and our interactions with our siblings. It's unique to what life you've had, what movies you watched, what music you like and what books you read. It is completely different for each person, and just because it looks like love to me, doesn't mean it's not allowed to look like just like to him.

But my non-convoluted point is.

Don't freak out too much about the L word. At least not at first. If you truly care about someone, and they truly care about you, know that you are lucky. If you want to spend more time with a person, and they want to spend more time with you, then DO IT. Who gives a shit about labels? Love, girlfriend, FWB, what have you.

When my sister was little, she in her infinite wisdom - and kid vocabulary - rewrote the lyrics to Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to do with it". Instead of a second hand emotion, she decided that love was a sacrimentry lotion. And you know what? My six year old sister was right. For some people, love's physical, only logical. For some people, love is like a Disney movie. For some people, love is hard, but worth it.

And for some people, it's a sacrimentry lotion.

Tuesday resolutions

Yo I'm back bishes (how many times have I said that? Don't count). Three posts lined up, starting with:

RANDOM TUESDAY RESOLUTION:
So I'm reading the NYT as is my wont and I start reading about how self-compassion is supa important and how we all have to love ourselves. And I'm all, did my therapist plant this on my computer somehow (lady has powers beyond imagination, trust me!) because now that we're past the initial "cannot really think past next few hours Depression" and "soooooooooob my boyfriend doesn't looooooooooooooove me why would anyone looooooooooooooooooooove me" stages, we're onto the good shit.

Like - liking yourself.

I'm not saying I'm special or anything (though I totes am) but this is apparently My Issue. Self liking. Lack thereof leads to anxiety (I'm clenching up just thinking about this shit) and of course, self-loathing (and chemical imbalances, and sudden tragic events, and really, absolutely anything) can lead to Depression. Loads of people really don't like themselves very much, but apparently new research has come out that show people who are very compassionate (hello, you're looking at her) aren't much the same way with themselves.

Now.

I'm not saying I'm Mother Theresa, cause I'm not, but I like to think that on the whole I am a good friend and a good sister/daughter/granddaughter/niece/cousin/etc. For the most part. I remember birthdays (albeit belatedly), I send condolence cards and get well gifts and thinking of you emails and all sorts of things through the internets and USPS that act as physical manifestations of my caring for other peeps. And yet even thinking nice things about myself in a non-snarky, non-bravada-y way makes me super anxious. Because? I don't actually believe it.

Shhhhhhhh.

Objectively, I know I'm smart and funny and even OK looking, but thinking about it more than "sure, your nose is straight and I guess your eyes are a pleasing shade of blue" gets me to start finding things to hate about myself. And that's no fun at all. Apparently, besides being abso no fun, it's also BAD for me. Not just my mental health. But my ability to change things I DON'T like, like my weight or my lack of working out or my judgy mcjudgersonness.

Well, against people who don't DESERVE to be judged.

So my Rando Tuesday Resolution is this (and I want y'all to know that even though the article suggests this, DAMNIT I was thinking about doing it before I got to that part): write myself one letter a week to tell me nice things. I love mail. I love sending it (see above) because I think it lets people know you care about them. And so it's time to start writing letters to myself, to let myself know I care about me. For now, I'm actually going to send them through the mail so that 1) I can test my postman's speed and 2) so I feel special when they show up.

Because damnit. I actually am.

What do you guys do to show yourself a little love?