Dear District of Columbia

On December 19, 2009 it snowed a great deal. I believe the sum totals were upwards of 15-20 inches, or approximately 1.5 ft of snow. At the time, given the quantity, I was not entirely shocked at your terrible response. The plow trucks (yes TRUCKS) that I saw snowed in. The salt truck that had dumped three feet (THREE!! THIS IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION) of salt into one very large pile on the corner of Van Ness and Connecticut while it stalled. The fact that it was 12 hours.

TWELVE.

Before I saw a plow truck even dispatched to the street. At the time, I was willing to forgive you. We were crazy to move that day, even I admit it. It was a legitimate snow storm - apparently the most snow DC has ever received in December! - and sure, that's hard. You know what, though?

Yesterday was not.

Yesterday was a 14 or so hour long snow shower. I think the total amount of snow we got was 6-8 inches. Over 14 hours. Which my calculator tells me is a little more than a half an inch an hour.

Which is not a lot of fucking snow.

And yet last night, the city was practically shut down. There were no cabs. There were metro delays. Buses weren't running when they were supposed to, shuttle services were shut down. When I walked down the sidewalk, I slipped and slid practically an entire block because of the shoddy shoveling job.

DC, you failed.

When Grad School BF and I got back from a wedding last weekend (more on that later!), he looked up the weather and said, "oh hey - it's going to snow next weekend." That was SEVEN DAYS AGO DC. Seven days ago you knew it was going to snow yesterday. That should have meant that you were lining up some city employees for overtime. At the very least, you should have gotten some salt out of storage.

But nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

And you know what? Maybe you did. Maybe you did what you thought was necessary. Maybe you're OK with not clearing the streets appropriately enough in Northwest (and therefore I'm assuming, not even remotely OK in the rest of the quarters. Quartiles? Whatever, SW, SE, and NE).

And that's fine for you.

But in 2001 in a small town in northern New Jersey, we got 9 inches of snow overnight. Sometime around 1am the snow started to fall, and fall hard, and by 7am there were 9 inches.

That's more than an inch per hour, in case you were wondering.

And I waited for the call. A delayed opening? A day OFF perhaps? But no. No no. We were expected to show up for school, smiling, and I did.

Ok I wasn't smiling.

But the point is - the roads were clear. The HS parking lot was not entirely, but it was salted and the walkway was completely walkable without one slip or slide. I was pissed.

But it was good governance.

So dear, dear, dear DC. What the fuck are you doing with the tax money (that I'm not paying cause I'm so interminably without cash but that is beside the point) that you've collected?! CLEAR. THE DAMN. STREETS.

That is all.

Sleepless (sexless?) in New Jersey

So.

As I indicated yesterday, I wanted to update my blog layout to celebrate a new year of (hopefully) posting galore, but, um, it didn't happen. If any of you are particularly artistic and would love to help recreate, I would appreciate it. But for now, we'll stick with the old look and move on to the new posts.

SO!!!!

This past Christmas was the first time Grad School BF and I were going to be at my parents' house for more than one night, which would have been fine, except he was leaving for his parents' house (on another um, continent) for 4 weeks.

Awesome.

So we faced a Situation. Refrain from nookie for five weeks, or figure out what terribly awkward solution we were most comfortable with. We've faced long weekends elsewhere (and not in hotels) before, and have dealt with it like teenagers - lots of groping each other in dark movie theatres, or making out on the back of the bus. But now we were faced with the largest teenage dilemma of all: how do you have sex with your parents around.

Without them finding out.

I am vaguely embarrassed (ok no I'm not) to say that I did extensive - EXTENSIVE - research on the internet to see what other people have done. Some talk about having sex quietly, but that was a problem for us cause the 'rents weren't letting us sleep in the same room (they're Catholic after all). Some talk about waiting until people leave the house, but that was a problem because

1. That meant feeling sneakier and sketchier than you already do; and
2. I couldn't foresee a time when everyone would be out of the house.

I have a big family.

Point is. Lots of people on the internets suggested getting a hotel which sounded like a great idea. Spend a night in the city, get a nice hotel, eat breakfast in bed and then head back to the Jerz. The only problem is apparently we weren't the only people who needed a hotel room in New York City over the holiday season, and oh right, they were hundreds of dollars. And I have hundred of dollars. So then I looked into places a little closer to home. Hoboken is close to the city, so why not? Why not, except those places were - if possible - even more expensivo. So I moved over to Jersey City. The, um, "hotels" that had availability had two options - pay by the hour or pay by the hot tub. I'm not ashamed to say I considered that possibility. At this point, it's important to say that the city was a nice subtle, "we all know why we're leaving and not sleeping here tonight, but at least we have a nice cover, no?". But that was out. And with my sibs, Alexis and my parents, we were out of beds and out of luck. Something had to be done, but without SOME good story about why we were leaving there was nothing to do but, well. Lie. So instead of "going to the city" and paying rent for a hotel room in Hell's Kitchen (noooooo thank you) I said we were "going to Hobo" and "staying at Maggie's so we could drink". We pricelined a hotel 9 miles away for $40, and stayed there for the night. Got breakfast in bed. Then went home. In the end, we were almost caught in the lie when we ran into my dad coming back from getting bagels. But even if our cover wasn't stellar, it felt good to have one. And I didn't have to be celibate for the full five weeks. That's always nice! From now on, maybe we'll just get a hotel in advance. I hear there's a nice place 9 miles away that only costs $40 a night. NOT an hour.

People Who Rock. People Who Suck. Contrition version.

So.

This weeks has been a shitshow of me writings posts, almost completing them, then my computer shutting down because Grad School BF kicked out the cord, or me getting a phone call about this love seat we're buying, or my realizing that I'm about to be 15 minutes late (which is the point at which they're allowed to cancel me) for my gyn appointment (which is by the by, a post in and of itself).

Not that you'd know that.

The point is, they never get done. And I've been trying to work on a new format for my blog (new year, new template?) that hasn't gotten done. At all. And suddenly it's a new Friday and I still haven't posted and the point is, I'm sick of it.

Maybe you are too. If there any of "you" left.

So I'll make you a deal. I'm going to post every day, from now until NEXT Friday, and if I don't you should stop reading the blog. It's not fair to keep half assing this. I don't know if fair is the right word, but it really sucks. I hated reading blogs that would come back tantalizingly for a bit only to fail to stick around.

So.

8 posts. 1 a day. Until next Friday. This is a trust building exercise, and I plan on getting trust BUFF.

That was terrible. I'll refrain from more of THAT.

But not more posting. And so to start, here is this week's PWR, PWS.

People Who Rock:

1. Aaron Sorkin. I don't know if he's a drug addict bad man who cheated on Kristin Chenowith or not, but Grad School BF's friend Mark lent his copy of the first season of West Wing and GSBF has been watching it, and holy shit it is amazing;
2. My old job for taking me back after my amazing job ended and not judging me (too much) when I miss said old job;
3. My friend Leah. Just cause she does;
4. My friend the bride for her AWESOME wedding (kind of post upcoming). It was the first time GSBF and I attended a wedding together, and honestly, it could not have gone better;
5. Trader Joe's for making Yellow Thai Curry sauce;
6. Becca for visiting the District even though I completely sucked as a hostess; and
7. POTUS for the SOTU.

People Who Suck:

1. Me, for the reasons listed above. We will get back to regular programming super soon;
2. USA for showing too many episodes of Dani Beck SVU. My DVR is freaking full of them. SHOW THE DAMN EPISODE WHERE ALEX CABOT COMES BACK FROM WITNESS PROTECTION, DAMNIT. Also, the one with the sociopath teenager who kidnaps the girl he raped from the ER and then kills her. Also, more pedophilia and serial rape ones. Kthxbai;
3. Um, my DVR for not being able to store more SVU?;
4. School. Man I forgot how much it blows to do homework;
5. The job market. Sure, I don't know what to do with my life but it would help if you had SOMETHING OPEN BETWEEN WHICH I COULD DECIDE;
6. Messes. That don't magically disappear when I wave a spoon; and
7. Nail polish that doesn't come off after two swings thru remover.

See you tomorrow!!

People Who Rock. People Who Suck. 2010 version!

People Who Rock:

1. The President. What an awesome speech he gave yesterday. The part about we all need to come together as citizens? And how the buck stops with him? Political swoon!;
2. My boss for my amazing, awesome, fabulous day yesterday;
3. My boyfriend. Sorry but it's true;
4. Anne, Maggie and Maria for coming to visit this weekend!!! WOOT;
5. Anna for totally keeping her shit together as we sat at Fast Eddies, not entirely sure that we weren't at Archibald's;
6. The DC government for charging for bags, so now not only do I have a free Trader Joe's bag cause Trader Joe's ROCKS (also number six: Trader Joe's), but ALSO, I get to feel SUPERIOR to people who need to PAY for PAPER and PLASTIC!; and
7. Becca for Tuesday night, which sounds dirty but isn't. Well, not mostly.

People Who Suck:

1. Me, for sometimes sucking at blogging. I swear I will try harder;
2. Akai brand TVs for completely crapping out after no time at all;
3. Lenovo brand ideapads, for ditto;
4. Alabama. Go Longhorns;
5. Computer solitaire. Why do you give me games that are actually unwinnable. Those should not count in my statistics, bitches;
6. My grad school for not offering any remotely interesting classes this semester; and
7. Cardboard boxes. SO MANY BOXES. Go awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay boxes!!

Happy weekend!

Inevitable update

So.

We recently got internet in the new apartment, which I was going to be very excited about. But then it occurred to me, you guys don't know there is a new apartment! Which means you don't know the STORY of the new apartment!

So here we go.

Well last you heard Grad School BF and I were going to get the 1BR + group house situ, but um, that didn't happen. The short story is that at game time, we made the decision to move in together. It wasn't well thought out, it wasn't planned, it wasn't discussed ad nauseum with every single person in my life from you guys to the Catolica grandmother.

But it worked for us!

So we were all set - December 19th was our move out/in date. The truck was booked, our friends were lined up to help, I had started to think about where our furniture would go and how it would look together and what cable package we could get.

And then three days before.

I got an email from Chelsea saying, "hey? So um, what's the plan?? Are you guys going to still move if it snows?"

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

My parents happened to be in town the night before the move and were supposed to stay overnight, but were too freaked out by the snowstorm so they left early. When it started to snow - not flurry, but SNOW - at 9pm I thought maybe we were reprieved. Obviously DC would start plowing at 10pm, and maybe, just maybe, we'd beat this.

Yeah. Ha. Right.

Fucking DC doesn't even remotely know how to handle snow. When I woke up the next morning and main streets - like the avenues?! - hadn't been plowed, my stomach sank faster than the flakes.

Still. We had a move to do.

So we went out to Uhaul, got the truck, loaded it up at my storage unit and did it with amazing alacrity and aplomb. We were so proud of ourselves! Until we tried to pull the truck out of the loading dock and somehow during our VERY RAPID PACKING a foot of snow had fallen.

And there were no plows! No plows at all!

Well I could tell you the full story, which involves moving a new sleeper sofa 2 blocks in 15 inches of snow with only three people. It involves GSBF having to run to the closest CVS to buy a snow shovel so we could SHOVEL OURSELVES A SPACE for the truck - and then, after he singlehandedly dug out said spot, he parallel parked the 14' truck in a 15' space. In involves the Secret Service, an old cop from Connecticut who had to rock us out of a turn that we had taken EN ROUTE TO RETURNING THE DAMN THING, and slippery sliding all the way up CT Ave, practically to Maryland, just to pick up some new furniture.

Oy.

But it got done. IT GOT DONE BITCHES! And now we live in an amazingly beautiful one bedroom that CURRENTLY HAS INTERNET!

Also, TV.

Yippee! Happy snowstorms of years past.

Jersey Shore. Or should I say Joisey Shu-wah?

So.

Remember when I wrote that angry little post about the "real" housewives of New Jersey? Until last week I was practically ITCHING for this blog so I could do "Jersey, not Joisey Part Deux." But then I WATCHED Jersey Shore. And you know what?

It's kind of awesome.

Don't get me wrong - I have the lowest of low opinions of those people who think that this show is ACTUALLY representative of New Jersey, and specifically Italians from New Jersey. At best these people are foolish; at worst, disturbed. But cmon. Watching "Snooki" go down because she's a fucking doofus? Then try to pour her mug-sized shot of whiskey into her swollen face the next day at the EXACT SAME BAR?!

Hil-aaaaaaaaaarious.

And honestly? While the Sopranos and the Real Housewives of NJ were taken somewhat seriously (emphasis on the some), this show is such a piece of... well. Stereotypical garbage? That no one could ACTUALLY take it seriously. In other words, I definitely went to high school with guidos and mafioso wannabes.

But no one had a "the" in front of their name.

So for those of my fellow Jerseyans out there with your panties in a twist? Remember this. We still rock as hard as the Boss did (AND as hard as Jon Stewart's AMAZING introduction to the Boss at the Kennedy Center Honors, seen below). But maybe - just MAYBE - with the outrageousness that is Jersey Shore, some of those annoying stereotypes that have plagued us will start to fall, Snooki-style.

And maybe not.

But at least we can laugh this time:

Meet my friend Emilia: deadline 2012

So.

I promise at some point my posts won't all harken back to the Dark Time when I was away, but that point is not yet reached. One of the sad things I didn't do during these past four months was introduce you to my very very VERY VERY good friend Emilia.

Ok. You already know her.

She's the Emilia of tarty New York friend fame, the Emilia who will wake you up from a potty nap, the Emilia who guest blogged for you (well, me) in May. You know her, you love her, and now?! You get to have her all to yourself!

Lies. She's mine, bitches.

Ehem, sorry. Point is, a few months ago, she started a blog. Called "Deadline 2012" it is her (awesome) recounting of her travails on the dating... trail.

Ok I didn't know what to say after travails.

Point is, she's awesome, you guys are awesome, you all should TOTES be FRIENDS. So check it out. Start here to get the explanation and then rock out. Also, start pressuring her to do some of the things she says she will.

It's guilt-trip interactive!

So anyway, if perchance there is another Dark Time in our future (which I don't think there is, cross my heart and hope to never be away from my laptop again), never fear - Emilia's here.

But where's the rum gone?

(This post actually isn't about alcohol. I know. I'm shocked too.)

So.

It's a funny thing being away from the internets for as long as I have. While many (ehem, ok, very few) of you have noticed that I've been away from this space, I've also been absent from facebook (in both blog profile and real life profile), twitter (samesies), gmail, nyt.com, etc etc etc.

It has not been fun.

So trying to collect the pieces of the past four months from the interwebs is quite the challenging process. I'm pretty much up on the news (dude - that shit with that guy from Nigeria is effffffffffed up. Can't wait to fly to Caroline's wedding in three weeks), but I had no idea three girls I knew got married (um, whoops) and also, that several of my old blogger buddies have deactivated their sites.

Where have you all gone?!

I know that I'm just too far behind on some things to catch up, but if there's any super duper important news (or even not that important, but something you think I should probably hear), please let me know!! And if I've mistakenly taken you down from the side of the site - give me your new URL!

And if you've gotten married - why the hell wasn't I invited.

Point is, keep me informed my peoples. I'm sorry I went away, I swear! Don't punish me by shutting me out!!!

In other news, happy January 2. I hope your 2010 is going swimmingly.

Happy new year!

So.

2010 is upon us, and that means it's resolution time. I think I'm trying to not make resolutions this year (maybe that's my resolution?) because inevitably I... well.

Don't do them.

And that's kind of depressing. So I'm quitting diet coke (again. Again again) and hoping that the new, less stressed year will mean I will drop the 15 pounds I've put on since August (no joke friends. No joke) and you know. Go to the gym more and shit.

But!

I HAVE been making some leeway on the 30 things before 30 list! Which is exciting. So I thought I'd give you a little update:

30 things to do before I turn 30
1. Finish getting all 50 state quarters in my "special rules" way. - I AM SO CLOSE!! ONLY STINKING MISSOURI (btw, why the fuck is that one so hard).
2. Get thee to Texas.
3. Re-take French.
4. Finally see the Magnificent Seven.
5. Friend one of the recent exes (there are two options) on Facebook.
6. Skinny dip.
7. Walk through Bedford Stuy alone.
8. Sing "House of the Rising Sun" in public. Karaoke is ok.
9. Get to my great-grandmother's, grandfather's, and former teacher's graves and put pretty flowers on them.
10. Buy "Elegance"-worthy lingerie. I'm thinking La Perla.
11. Go properly camping. Once.
12. Have a BMI less than 25 (this has to be true AT my 30th birthday. It would also help if it were true for my 28.5th birthday, ie when I'm assuming my 10th year reunion is).
13. For real learn to knit. In fact, knit a scarf and a hat.
14. Memorize Moonlight Sonata on the piano.
15. Do Story Corps with my grandmother and grandfather.
16. Watch Schindler's List. The entire thing.
17. Get published, even if it's a 250 word silly block in Cosmo entitled, "How to lick your man's nipples."
18. Read two of Joyce's novels.
19. Go to the top of the Sears Tower
20. Finish my family tree (well, you know. Make it easy to add to). Can be done on Geni.
21. Go on a road trip. Can be done via bus or train (you know, gas won't always be at $1.37)
22. Volunteer for 100 hours
23. Get personally shopped for, at least once.
24. Stay at the Waldorf Astoria.
25. Go to a new foreign country.
26. Read Don Quixote and the Inferno in the original languages.
27. Watch all the movies in the AFI's top 10 list
28. Go to Edinburgh and don't "stalk" JK Rowling, but you know, tour a few coffee shops.
29. In a similar vein, find and purchase first editions of the Harry Potters I'm missing.
30. Go a mile on a hippity hop.

There are plans for a few of these. Grad School BF keeps hounding me to watch Schindler's List. This summer I'm supposed to be road tripping for a few weeks. I think knitting should be soon. And I'm only missing 3 of the top ten AFI movies (ok four including Schindler's List but we've already DISCUSSED THAT) so that should be doable before I turn 7.

Whew. 27 sounds like an adult

Anyway, we'll see what 2010 brings for me, but for all of you out there, I hope it brings sugar plums and good tequila, and all sorts of other wonderful things!